extended nori paper

23 January 2012 @ 01:29 am

do you still remember me, they way i was when we
held hands and felt each others' heartbeat
looked at the same sky
moved at the same time
i remember you, not me
your color, your tone
the knowing look
the shift in weight
the massive silence that hung around us
as we inhaled
exhaled
lived
and died
i have forgotten me, not you
i wish to remember me
not you

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08 April 2011 @ 10:01 pm

Rant

I don't even want to get started listing the things I need to do before the 15th of April. I just choose to take it one thing at a time. I really think that I need to find another job. One that will allow me to read and write more. I want a job that doesn't hound me on weekends and after hours. I am willing to take a pay cut, yes. I don't care if you think that I'm supposed to trod down the traditional lawyerly path. I do not feel fulfilled and its eating me away. Sigh. I pray for guidance as I draw up a new map. This one isn't working for me.

xoxo

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05 April 2011 @ 10:47 pm

Selfish

I want to take my LLM in 2013. I want to live and work abroad for a couple of years. I want to read and do research. I want to travel and see the world. I want to take up photography. I want to blog. I want to write my Palanca winning short story and essay. I want to do volunteer work. I want to be a missionary. I want to learn how to cook. I want to put up a bed and breakfast business. I want to espouse domestic tourism. I want to be a tourguide. I want to organize the youth. I want to teach in a public school. I want to put up a scholarship. I want to run a marathon. I want to learn how to surf. I want my Miss Universe body back. I want to learn to play the violin. I want to have my own TV show again. I want to do commercials. I want to do ramp modeling. I want to learn French and Japanese. I want to read comic books. I want a Vespa. I want to work in the UN. I want to work at the WTO. I want to do ten million things all at the same time and do every single thing excellently.

He says its all I, I, I. Me, me, me. He says I'm selfish. All my plans are for me, me, me. No space for him. None of my justifications are acceptable. He makes me feel ashamed to want all these things. He makes me feel ashamed that I cannot "balance" my career and extra-curriculars with a relationship, as other women do. He makes me feel ashamed that I am too daunted by all the things I want to do such that I feel I cannot handle a relationship at the moment. He makes me feel ashamed that I don't want to pursue these things with him. He makes me feel scared to ask for time and space to figure out how to go about doing all these things. When I ask for time and space, I end up "abandoning him" when he needs me the most. I am never there for him when he needs me the most. I am afraid to lose him because he says no one else will love me the way he does and that he is the one who can make me the happiest.

I am scared. I feel guilty. I feel sad. Just when I finally find the courage, empowerment and inspiration to do things other than that which is expected of me, I am told that I am being selfish.

Tags: thoug

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03 April 2011 @ 10:43 am

Bitten by the Vespa

I want one!

Tags: crush

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02 April 2011 @ 10:35 am

Getting to know my family better

Had dinner with Biboy and Cocoy at Ristra's last night. Then we went to Metrowalk to grab some discs. I thoroughly enjoyed chatting with them and getting updated on what they're up to. I'm excited to get an iPhone also hehe. Te camera is really nice and the apps seem promising. Biboy says he will start a photoblog and I think i want to start one also. Cocoy and I naman will get our membership back sa Gold's gym and work out together. Fun fun fun! I think I want a special activity with each of my family members. It will help us get to know each other more outside the family setting. I want to be genuine friends with my siblings and parents and not just be related to them. I have yet to think of something to do with Beaver. Mom and I we like to travel. Maybe dad and I should also plan a trip na just us two. After all, we appreciate the same things in terms of culture, architecture and history. I will make this a second quarter goal. I hope that the world really doesn't end in 2012. I'm just getting warmed up.

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02 April 2011 @ 10:27 am

It's time to face the music

Indeed it is, I've come to a point wherein I must open my eyes and acknowledge where I am. Putting this examination off because I've too much work or too much family ish to worry about now sounds like a really lame excuse. I know that I have got to determine what these unresolved feelings I have are exactly. The ambiguity is a cushion. I'm throwing the cushion out because I no longer want to keep fooling myself that everything is "ok". No, things are not ok. I have to follow my compass, not my clock (read that from someone from Avon). Hindi pa pala tapos ang quarter life crisis ko. Hehe. I pray that God guides me in my introspection and that I finally be ablest face the music... And dance!

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22 January 2011 @ 12:04 pm

You don't have to come and confess...

We're looking for you. We're goin' find you, we're goin' find you. Youtube is a goldmine and my brother Cocoy is a class A miner. Very funny video. Watch it. The succeeding entry has very little to do with it though. It's just a jump off point.

When I am struck by something, I really tend to fixate and assimilate. Given enough time, I am able to distill the message and determine why it struck me in the first place. Then, transformation.

I think I've unwittingly found a new mantra for being proactive. There is something about being a control freak that makes being proactive easier. However, there is also something about being a Christian that makes being a control freak difficult. Sigh. As in all things, balance is the key. Today, I will accept the things that are beyond my control. Someone said let go and let God. However, I will also take a proactive stance towards the things that ARE within my control. In identifying the things that are within my control, I find great enlightenment and relief. I likewise find great economy as it allows me to channel my energy properly.

Things that i have control of:

1. What I eat. I recently admitted that I am in a bad diet place right now. What I eat is largely motivated by how I feel and what I think I am 'entitled' to eat. Very bad. Will be more proactive about this starting today.
2. What I say. Words are powerful tools. A wise uncle recently suggested that i pray before I speak. Must do this.
3. What I read and watch. Garbage in, garbage out. A lot of the things that i expose myself to affect the way I think and feel. I must choose wisely from all that is available. Ironic that a youtube video led me into thinking up this storm.
4. What I spend my resources on. Retail therapy should not be my only therapy. There are a lot of holes in my budget. Plugging these holes might actually allow me to channel my resources into something more fruitful and lasting.
5. When to stop. We always have control of when nonstop. It is difficult to exercise this sort of control but this does not mean we don't have the power to stop. I am guilty if not taking control of when i should stop, more often.

I now choose to stop. Less is more. God and I can divide up all the things I have on my plate. The stuff i can take care of, I will. For the bigger chunks that I cannot, my God is there to take care of them.

Amen.

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08 January 2011 @ 10:52 am

Centering

That has been the theme of the week that has just passed. After multiple fights and crying sessions, I think I have come out stronger and more centered. More centered in the sense that I know now, more than ever, what kind of person I am, what kind of person I was raised to be, what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person God wants me to be.

There are still a lot of fuzzy parts and a lot of things that I have to find out about myself but now I am no longer daunted by the task. Quite the contrary, I am excited to start the journey. I like my newfound sense of time and timing. I have spent quite a lot of time complaining about how I don't have enough time only to realize (better late than never) that I've been spending time unwisely. The distribution is lopsided and that is what I am trying so hard to correct these days. I have been given time, I just haven't been spending it wisely.

Loss of self is more prevalent than we think. I admit having lost myself in my relationships and I resolve to have no more of it. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't have her own person. I admit having lost myself to work. I have lost myself to my material possessions. I had lost myself to someone who is himself lost. If I take away all these things, who am I and what do I have? If I were to spend an entire day alone, where would I go and what would I do? Big questions. I have standard answers but these days, my answers don't seem to make sense anymore. Is it who I still am? Is this who I still want to be? Most importantly, is this who God wants me to be?

January 1 was difficult this year - heartache and disappointment. I thought to myself, why did this happen today? Of all the days of the year? Is this how I want to start my 2011?

The answer is a resounding YES.

It has to happen on the first day of the year because it will allow me to move towards change, the rest of the year. Change begins on the first day - and for me it did. My 2011 was and is not ruined. January 1 marked the separation between the me in 2010 and the better me in 2011. In Christ, I know that I can center and live out my 2011 the best way I can, in accordance to His plan.

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04 January 2011 @ 10:47 pm

Blogging Time with Diana Krall playing in the background.... Sweet!

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes the gun. May iPad app nag live journal. Hopefully this will allow me to maximize my paid account.

I would marry Diana Krall if only we were California girls (and unforgettable) and she weren't already so happily married to Elvis Costello. Sigh. This woman can sing my favorite songs so well. If I had you and I'm through with love. Her voice and my snazzy white Dre Beats = WIN.

Tonight I went home to Antipolo earlier than usual to be able to have dinner with my family (sans daddy boo). Traffic was horrid and so was Biboy's driving but hey, what's new? We called Buffalo's wings and things to order some wings for pickup. Yummy. Masarap pall ang dirty rice with sitaw kalabasa at ang fried tilapia with bleu cheese dip. Fusion cuisine ng ina mo rin. *hooha!* family time was very much welcome and the rant slash vent session with mumsy was also helpful.

Segue to Lily by the Smashing Pumpkins. Talk about a stalker song even before stalking became a household term. Through her window shade, I watch her shadow move... Hahaha! I regret not preserving this CD (Mellon collie and the infinite sadness).

Tomorrow is the first day. I wonder how long this funk will last? When I'll I go crawling back?

Where is the shepherd for this lost lawyer-beauty queen-shopaholic-frustrated poet/blogger/writer-wannabe legal scholar-world traveler-beach bunny-chocolate monster-sappy sentimental biyatch? Sigh.

Hindi ako lasing. Nadapa lang.

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31 December 2010 @ 06:39 pm

Toy Story

You look at me like I'm all brand new. Like I can't do no wrong. Like I'm definitely going to say something awesome and wow. I never could understand what it was and what it is that you see in me. Where you get all this confidence and love. It's inspiring and at the same time intimidating. Am I worth it? It's been a while since anyone looked at me with such optimism. You're like a little boy who got handed a beat up old toy. You put in such hard work to just to put it together and now you're Eager to play with the fragile old thing.

These days, I feel so old and so young... I falter. Your optimism and affection make me feel young and yet I'm so jaded, so badly and barely put back together that every small motion threatens to break me apart again. As the days pass, I gain strength and the stitches that hold me together grown stronger. Still, I find that I cannot move as fast as you do and I trail behind. You get upset like a little kid holding an again broken toy, realizing that the glue still needs to dry up some more before it can be played with. All your momentum grinding to a dismal halt. I frustrate you. I puzzle you. Your eyes tell me that I should already be okay. That I don't look that badly damaged. I apologize for taking so long. It's not good enough sometimes.

As we go along, I feel a bit stronger. And yet there are many times when I beg to be put back on the shelf again. To your great disappointment - I am not ready. I am breaking apart - or so I think and feel. But when you put me back or set me down, I feel such sadness. Disappointment with my own weakness. I long to be tossed and carried away by your love. Your love, yes. Your great and amazing love that I am not worthy of. I see how the disappointment in your own eyes fades and the optimism returns. You are a child once more, waiting for the new old toy you worked so hard to put back together.

I look at you and find my fears slowly fade. I know I will get there. You make me want to get there - and fast. In time, I shall learn to embrace the tossing and turning and eventual and inevitable breakdown of my being. After all, I have in my heart the hope that should i break, you will patiently and lovingly gather the pieces and put me back together again.

I love you, JP.

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